I need to get the fuck out of here. I can not stand this much longer. I know everywhere I go I will have new problems but at least they will be new. I need a place to rest my head, a new place to look for that something that has been missing in my life for a while now. I am tired of being pushed aside. I am tired of being picked over. I am tired of this place. I need new and different feeling. I need a new start.


I am tired of setting all these goals for myself and failing. Nobody can fix this but me... thats the hard part.

I feel hopeless. I want it so badly I can't stand it. I am trying so hard to be patient and not push to hard. I don't even know how this happened. I don't know how I fell so hard. Sometimes I think about it and wonder where it started. All I know is it is an intense feeling of want and need. It's really taking me over entirely. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I am trying so hard to be calm that I feel totally out of control. I just want you to give me some relief but it looks like I will have to wait.

I am torn between the two feelings anyways, I can't even help myself.

It's been a while.

Lately I have figured out I need to listen more closely to myself and what I think is right and stand by it. I'm done being influenced by others opinions. Someone has really made me realize that I am more uptight than I thought.

I have also realized that some people just aren't worth being friends with. You choose your friends,you can not be friends with everyone and the more you try to the more fake you seem. In reality you have less friends.

I really want this.

Lies, that is the word that has been repeating in my head. Honesty, is not a common word to many people. I still can not wrap my head around what has been happening lately. Not very surprising things at all, disappointing is more the word I would use. "Rapid hope loss" is something I would say. Heartless, another perfect word.

I need to get out of here. I need to new people, new problems, new places. I need to get away from this past that has lead me to be this way. I am haunted by the lies and tears. They won't go away, maybe for a little while. All I know is I want something new, something fresh.


But I also have to say something about the people who have been here always. I thank you. You mean everything to me. I thank you for thinking for yourself and being honest. I thank you for telling me what the truth is even if I acted ungrateful. I apologize. I want to thank you for being there for me even if I did not speak. Thank you.







And bullets lance the bravest lungs
We fold our hands and hold our tongues

I honestly have no idea what is going on right now. My heart was so happy for a week now it is back to what it was, not fully but almost. I believe that everything happens for a reason but why is this happening to me. I guess I will find out. I wish I wasn't so impatient, I wish I didn't care at all. I wish I could let this just pass. I want to trust, but to many have let me down.

My whole body is in a state of exhaustion. I don't know what is wrong with me. My whole body aches.

I need to sleep.

I will promise myself to not take this feeling for granted. I don't want it to go away. If it does I don't know what I will do. It's a rush, a feeling I have never felt so fast. A feeling that was so unexpected. Such a strong feeling of happiness.

I am just so much happier this way.
No need to explanation.


update at 9:26 PM:
Well I could write a lot right now. It's amazing how much shit I put up with to end up with this. People change so much, no matter what anyone says never trust. Always look deeper than you think is there, I know I over analyze at times but I think it is needed a lot of the time. My gut is always right and I know you're so wrong. People don't care about you. You're so insanely immature I can not even bare it. I am embarrassed to say I had anything to do with someone like you and her. But this is not all about one person. It is about our generation, we can not be trusted, and we can not be naive. This is about life itself and what we expect from people and what we actually get. Trust is nothing in this world. Respect is nothing to anyone. Backstabbing is constant. I'm sorrys are the only thing I hear, why should i believe them after everything that has happened to me throughout my life. I have learned that I need to cut people out of my life for my own good. I don't want to live like you. I don't want to life like most people. I want to be trusted, I want to dig deeper, I want to feel what happiness is like. You are perfect for each other. So selfish and close minded. I hope I never have to feel this again.

But all in all, I am happy right now, and I want you to feel that, I want you to feel that like a stab you in the back. I want you to remember that it is all your fault, no matter how much you fight it.

It's called respect, can I get some? I mean maybe its impossible for you to do that cause you're so obsessed with yourself. You are selfish and ridiculous I can't believe I ever called you a friend, I can't believe you at all. No respect for anyones feelings but your own. I hope you're happy cause I know I am finally realizing I need to stop.

Stop your own denial before it takes you over.
Such a fucking waste.

I am extremely inspired right now. I want to be the best mentally and especially physically. I want to be the best I can be. I won't let anyone stop me not even myself.

I let in another head ache, another unwelcome, overwhelming full feeling. The aching in my back just makes it worse and I feel tired. These feelings are wearing me out. So many thoughts are running through my head I can't even think straight. My heart is torn in little pieces and I keep giving little pieces of it away to people I think may want it for rainy day or just to hold on to.

It's taking me over, everything is. I am so grateful for what I have and what I have been given but I really can not tell the difference between what is real and what is not.

What an overwhelming exsistance I have gotten myself into.

How many times will I let you break my heart? How many times will I lose people in my life for you? How many times will I do this to myself and you?

I don't know what this is anymore.

My birthday was a few days ago.. It was a really good day. I was happy. Thank you everyone who shared it with me.
I got my dream camera and I got to hang out with almost everyone I wanted to see :)

But I still find it crazy how happy you can get, and how fast the feeling goes away.

This spring break has been weird. It feels so random and different. Everyone is gone and I am realizing alot.




( click for pictures. )

This feeling is just weird. Everything is weird, still. I'm not happy, but i'm not sad. I'm just something. I feel different.

It seems that every winter ends like this. With me in the same situation with a broken heart or broken pride. It ends with anger and betrayal. It ends with people in anger and sadness.

Today it was raining, but it wasn't just raining. It was cold and rainy. I love the sound of rain on the roof top, its the most soothing relaxing sound to me.

I miss summer rain, the combination of warmth and happiness or even sadness. Rain is peaceful in the summer. I miss it.

well, everything is really weird right now.
way to much at once. I like it and I don't, it feels good and it doesnt.

oh and it all turned out as I saw it in my head, of course.

where were you when i needed you?

have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?
have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night?

I really should have known better than to say one word about it at all. Stay away is what I should have listened to, that voice in the back of my head thats screaming no more or maybe thats my heart. Pathetic is the word I'm looking for. Out of control is what I feel. All mixed in with lonliness, anger and frustration. "You can't always get what you want" is what I heard while I was thinking about you, why? I don't know. Why do I let things like that effect me. Why do I let this take me over? I am stronger than this. stay away from this feeling, far away. Forget. You make me feel so worthless now, so weak and stupid. I don't know why I let you. Why? But no one can answer that but me.

Why do I let myself depend on that feeling of love? Why do I never let go?

I am your hero
Still i sleep alone at night
In years you'll thank me
For getting everything right
I am the sun
Still i sit alone in a red sky
Keeping my eyes on you
We're all alone

In time you'll find that
We're all on our own (all on our own)
We're all on our own chasing nothing
My dreams have fallen, I'm wearing thin
I need something to fill this void I'm constantly in
And I can’t do this

I am your hero
I just don’t care tonight
In years you’ll forget me
I got everything right
I am the sun
I didn’t rise today
I left you in darkness

And I just don't care anymore about you
You can sit and suffer alone without me

I'm your hero
Save your thankyou's

In times to come I'll rise above this
But for now I'll just sit here
My dreams have fallen once again
My dreams have fallen once again

I need something to fill this void im in

I wish you would just let me know how you're really feeling cause I don't think you are telling me the truth. I can handle it. If you're still not over her just let me know. I'm not really up for being hurt again.

I'm losing my voice.